A Long Road to Healing
Finding joy in the year to come
This morning, I was sitting on my couch reading a book. The Christmas tree was lit, I had a cat curled up on my lap with another at my feet, and I was just an hour away from meeting friends for tennis. As I sat snuggled under a blanket, hearing the sounds of H Street out my windows, I was overcome by complete and total gratitude. Gratitude that somehow, some way, this was actually my life.
Three years ago on this day, I was sobbing in a car. I was at the lowest point of self esteem I had ever been in my life. My marriage was imploding. I was hiding what was happening at home from almost everyone around me, out of fear and shame and a deeply instilled belief that it was all my fault.
Two years ago on this day, I was just seven days past signing my divorce papers. I was a combination of terrified, shell-shocked, and relieved. I had nights where I cried over a bottle of wine into my best friend’s arms. I had days where I felt more alive than I had in years. I was leading my organization to its most impactful year ever, but no one knew how much I was barely holding it together outside of the office.
One year ago on this day, I was a year and a half into pretty intensive post-trauma therapy. I had taken my first writing class 10 months before. I had helped get EdFuel through the early crisis-filled days of the pandemic, and yet somehow we were ending 2020 even more successful than the last. I was more at peace, and centered, than I had ever been — and yet I was also still living in self-doubt and fear of openly talking about what I went through.
And that brings me to today. Today, the gratitude for what this year has brought feels overwhelming, despite the hardship and pain that our world is still experiencing. I bought my own home, one that is safe and beautiful and peaceful. EdFuel doubled in size. Two weeks ago, a piece about my divorce was published in a national outlet. I’m calm, grounded, and more comfortable with the truth of my experiences than I have ever been.
It’s been a long, hard-fought battle to rebuild my sense of self worth over the last few years. Throughout it, there have been many, many moments of questioning and doubt. But sitting here today, it finally feels more like I’m on the other side.
So a message to everyone who needs to hear it:
Know that you are not alone, no matter what battles you are currently fighting.
Cling onto the knowledge that you too will find your way through; that you will one day also be able to look back on your winding path with pride.
Lean on your people, even if you worry that you’re asking too much.
Go. To. Therapy. Find yourself a therapist who will help you untangle the threads of your life so you can knit them into something even more beautiful.
Pursue every single one of your passions, no matter how scary it might feel.
Hold the hope that hour by hour, second by second, things. get. better. Not in a straight line, and not quickly, but they do.
Over two years, and through more ups and downs than I ever knew were coming, my life has grown more beautiful and full than I ever really could have dreamed of.
Are there days when that beauty is harder to see? Of course. Have I fully resolved every traumatic experience? No, not yet. But I’ve learned through the support of so many others that being able to hold the questioning with the certainty, the dark with the light, is simply what it means to be human. And that that journey is really never over.
My word for 2022 is “joy.” After two years of hard work on healing, and in a world where we are surrounded by such grief and difficulty, I’m realizing it’s more important than ever to find and create the bright spots of joy in our own lives. It’s the joy that opens us up to possibility, and it’s the joy that lets us fully take in the love we are offered.
Maybe most importantly, it’s the joy that ultimately allows us to become the fullest versions of ourselves, without shame or fear that we’re not enough. Because joy is what we feel when we allow ourselves to live completely in a moment of time, not worried about what others think or putting on a cloak of armor to protect us. Joy is freeing.
And if nothing else, the last two years have taught me that all I want to finally feel is free.
Happy New Year everyone! Sending you so much love and light as we close out this crazy year and get ready to walk into the next. Can’t wait for all the joy to come!
